Hi! I’m Margaret Carnahan, and I teach math at Hamptonville High School.
Valentine’s Day is always a big deal at Hamptonville. The florists deliver flowers and gifts all day long. Everything is stored in an empty classroom, and the girls collect them at the end of the day. There are stuffed animals and roses, jewelry and roses, chocolates and roses … For most of the guys, this is their first real Valentine’s Day, and they’re still learning the ropes. They do pretty well.
Except for Granger. Granger was young man with astonishing self-confidence but limited imagination. Granger sent a teddy-bear-and-single-rose arrangement to BOTH of his girlfriends.
Alexis was supposed to get hers just before lunch, when she was scheduled to leave the high school and go to her internship at the mayor’s. A broken water pipe closed the office, though, so Alexis spent the afternoon doing her homework in the library.
Ashley went to her locker at the end of the day and then to pick up her gift. They arrived at the same time, and as it happened, there were only two bouquets left, two teddy bears, each with a rose, side by side on a desk. Mrs. Griffin said, “Tell me your boyfriend’s name, and I’ll know whose is whose.”
Alexis said, “Mine’s the one from Granger.”
Ashley said, “My boyfriend’s name is Granger, too. Granger Shepherd.”
“Wait,” Alexis said. “Granger Shepherd is MY boyfriend. Are there TWO Granger Shepherds at this school?”
Mrs. Griffin took a deep breath. “No, honey, there’s only one.”
There was a long pause while the two girls glared at each other. Ashley said, “Well, he’s MY boyfriend. We’ve been dating since Christmas.”
Alexis said, “You must be the SIDE chick. He’s been dating ME since Homecoming.”
“I ain’t NOBODY’S SIDE chick!” Ashley said, and it was about to get ugly when Mrs. Griffin spoke up.
“Girls,” she said, “read me the card on your bouquet.”
Alexis went first. “’Happy Valentine’s Day with all my love, Granger.’ See? ‘All my love.’”
“Mine says the exact same thing!” Ashley said.
“Hold on! Hold on!” said Mrs. Griffin. Mrs. Griffin unfortunately had some personal experience with this kind of situation. “Girls, let’s think about this. What kind of a man dates two women at the same time, sends them identical gifts, and tells them both that they have all his love? What kind of a man would do that?”
Well, now the girls were confused. She had a point. But they were in love. They thought he loved them. They hated each other. But … how could he do this?
Alexis started to cry. “It’s not fair! I love him!”
Ashley started to cry, too. “Why would he do this to me? I love him!”
Mrs. Griffin gave them both a tissue. “Girls,” she said, “this is not your fault. It’s his fault. Some men are just like this; they think love is a game. It’s better to learn it when you’re young … You don’t want to have to learn it when you’re older.” Both girls were crying. “Now, remember this: you deserve better. Don’t you? Let me hear you say it, say, ‘I deserve better.’”
They sniffled, they glared at each other, and finally they agreed. They DID deserve better. They took a deep breath, and they all hugged, a sisterhood of shattered women. Mrs. Griffin ushered them out of the room.
“We ALL deserve better,” she said as she locked the door. “What HE deserves is another matter.” And she walked back into the office.
Ashley and Alexis took a long look at each other. They looked at their identical teddy bears and roses. And then Alexis said, “Ya wanna go get a coffee?”
Ashley said, “Yeah.” And they started talking about what he deserved.
At the coffee shop, one target emerged. They built their plan around his pride and joy, his shiny black truck.
They agreed that a guy who dated two girls at the same time would have no trouble dating a third, so Ashley recruited her friend Schuyler and swore her to secrecy. Ashley had helped Schuyler get an A on a biology project, and Schuyler was happy to return a favor.
Over the next couple of days Schuyler made sure Granger knew she was interested in him, and he didn’t notice that both Ashley and Alexis were suddenly covered up with projects and extra hours at work that week. Schuyler suggested a movie on Saturday afternoon, and Granger picked her up.
As Ashley was leaving the house Saturday, her father asked her where she was going with an aluminum baseball bat. And she tried. She said she was trying out for the girls’ softball team.
Her father pointed out that softball tryouts weren’t generally held in February, and besides, she had always hated softball. Ashley burst into tears. She told him what had happened on Valentine’s Day.
He gave her a fatherly hug. “So the baseball bat is for revenge?”
Ashley nodded. “His truck will be in the parking lot at the movies. Alexis is going to meet me there. She’s bringing spray paint.”
Ashley’s father thought for a moment about this young man whom he had NEVER liked. “Sweetie,” he said, “there’s a couple of problems with your plan. First, if you beat up his truck and spray paint his truck, you’re gonna be in trouble with the police. He’s not worth that. And second, his insurance will pay to have all the damage repaired, and a week from now his truck will look better than ever, thanks to you. Is that what you want?”
“Well,” she hesitated, “no, but … ” and she burst into tears again.
“It’s OK,” he said. “I have an idea.”
After some furious texting back and forth Ashley met Alexis in the movie parking lot. Alexis brought her brother, James. The girls started by letting the air out of the tires. James did a little work under the hood. Then they all got busy with duck tape.
They started with black tape on the windows. And they didn’t use long strips so that you could lift one end and pull the whole thing off. They used little 5-inch chunks. They were careful, and when they were done, if you squinted a little bit, the windows just looked tinted.
Other people were driving through the parking lot, but Alexis and James had made a couple of signs that said, “Practical joke in progress. No harm to this truck.” This was mostly true. People smiled and parked away from them, gave them room to work. No one phoned the police. Someone did phone the newspaper.
When they were finished with the windows, they soaked the seats with cheap perfume. Then they opened up the sunroof and poured in two extra-large bags of packing peanuts.
Then they got out the second roll of duck tape and worked on the rest of the truck.
When they were done, they took a few photos, packed up the signs and the trash, and disappeared.
And so it was that Granger and Schuyler emerged from the movie in the late afternoon sunshine, smiling and holding hands … until Granger saw his truck.
There sat his shiny black truck with 4 flat tires and bright orange duck tape letters on both sides spelling out the word, “Cheater!”
Schuyler came through with her cell phone – Granger was live on Instagram, and Ashley, Alexis, and James watched it all on their phones from the coffee shop. And as the crowd gathered in the parking lot, he went live on Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter, too.
He was furious. He pulled on a strip of orange tape and saw that the tape came off, but the white adhesive stayed. He had a few things to say about that as he went around the truck, pulling off the tape. Finally, he said, “It’s cold. Wait in the cab, Schuyler. I’ll call my dad to take us home.” And he opened the passenger side door for her.
It takes a long time for 2 extra-large bags of packing peanuts to fall out of an open truck door. Schuyler recorded close-ups of Granger’s face as he stood and watched. People in the parking lot took pictures and laughed. The manager came out and asked who was going to clean up this mess. He called the police.
Eventually enough peanuts fell out that the passenger’s seat was clear. There sat two identical teddy bears with two wilted roses.
Schuyler called her mom to come and get her. Granger called his dad.
Granger’s truck made the front page of the newspaper, with Granger next to it, pumping air into the tires with his dad’s portable compressor, and a police officer writing him a citation for littering. At school all the guys snickered. The girls gave Alexis and Ashley fist bumps.
Granger scrubbed his truck every day for two weeks. He had a lot of time to think about Alexis and Ashley. He did some soul searching, and he decided that it was all their fault, and NEXT TIME he’d be sneakier.
When his truck was shining black again, he went for a drive. Over by CVS a cute girl he’d never seen before smiled and waved at him. He smiled and waved and tapped his horn. From under hood came the distinct sound of a braying jackass.
He looked straight forward and drove on.
